Not 'bad' enough... (a story of pain to purpose)

Last year I was given the opportunity to give a talk at the launch of an event called Pain to Purpose. Hosted by my wonderful friend Vanessa of Grow Friday, the whole focus of this event was to vulnerably share our stories of pain through to purpose.

I felt present once to the energy of this event as New Year 2020 rolled round and I reflected on life, the wins the losses and moments in between…

I decided to take on a deep dive personal development workshop, to challenge the limiting beliefs and blocks that I know still hold me back, things I touched on in that vulnerable stage presentation.

Which brings me back to that moment…

I sat there in the audience, on a chair to the side of the stage waiting for my turn to stand. I was the opening speaker for the main section of the evening that had begun with a series of open mic sessions. People came to the mic to share for 10 or 15 minutes each, their stories of struggle and their stories of triumph through adversity. There were some really beautiful, painful, powerful recollections. Deep vulnerable sharing.

I distinctly remember thinking, Wow. Who am I to be speaking on this stage as one of the key speakers? My story isn't 'bad enough' to be sharing here!

I still clearly remember those words forming in my mind.

My story isn't 'bad enough', I haven't suffered enough to be standing and sharing here. Who am I to share my pain when it is nothing compared to theirs.

Getting passionate here… the talk was in a dark atmospheric basement venue (hence the low lit shot)

These feelings were still swirling around inside me as I took to the stage to begin my talk and so with honesty and openness, I shared exactly that. I placed my fears on the table.

I shared that these feelings were swirling within me. I shared I didn't think my story of pain was 'bad enough' in comparison. As soon as I said it out loud I smiled and there was some giggles in the room and I laughed as well. We laughed together in the recognition of how silly that sounded out loud.

My struggles, no matter how small they may seem, are worthy of acknowledgement. My 'pain to purpose' story was worthy to share.

It's not a competition to see how 'bad' we've each had it in life. Yet, sometimes in society it feels like that's where we're being pushed towards. There's comparisonitis in every corner about how good our lives can be but there's also the darker comparisonitis of how bad we've had it - like a oneupmanship of the worst kind.

So for those of us, like me, who fall somewhere in the middle, who have struggled with seemingly smaller things in a sea of trauma we see in the news every day, we dismiss our struggles for not being worthy.

For not being 'bad' enough.

We don't ask for help because it's not 'bad' enough to justify someones time and resources. We feel foolish, feeling as though we should be able to sort this ourselves because really in comparison to what some people have been through, it's really not that bad. Suck it up.

And that's the story I've been telling myself for a long, long time.

That's the story that came to a climax in that room as I heard those powerful stories shared before me. And by openly speaking my fears into the room in that moment, I gave myself permission to share my story. I acknowledged my struggles.

I see so much of this repeating in the book I’m currently writing. I'd been stalling for so long in putting my thoughts into words because I didn't think my story was worthy enough to tell. It wasn't 'bad' enough. My pain and struggles are nothing in comparison to what some people go through. So why share it at all? Who would it even help?

Yet, I know there are so many people like me, maybe even the majority, who struggle with these seemingly smaller things, things that on the outside don't seem a big deal. Where the thoughts creep beneath the surface of our minds… who am I to be talking of my pain when so many other people have had it far worse.

But here I am on stage and in my book, talking about my pain.

Talking about my power.

Talking about my struggles.

Talking about my strengths.

Because I know there are so many other people, like me, who sit in the middle of the spectrum with the struggles that they simply don't give credit to. That they dismiss because it's not that 'bad'.

I'm here to hold out my hand and invite you to own your story. Your struggles and your strengths, your tragedy and triumph, your highs and your lows…

They are worthy.

They are significant.

They can have a voice.

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Facing fear.... on the wrong side of the road

Last week I was in Spain on holiday.

But it wasn’t just an ordinary holiday.

This was created as an opportunity for me to face one of my biggest fears - driving on the ‘wrong’ side of the road!

It feels somewhat silly to even admit, as for many people it’s simply no big deal. Yet it’s been something that has been increasingly bothering me for a number of years and more recently scenarios have come up where it would’ve been useful for me to have driven. As I plan to travel more in coming months I sensed these opportunities may show up more and more.

So I had a choice to make.

Change or stay the same.

I realised that I didn’t want to miss out on an opportunity simply because I wasn’t prepared to drive on the other side of the road! 

I shared these fears with a friend. I shared with her my research on looking for a days European intensive driving course (which wasn’t cheap!) Then she proposed that we head off to Spain and stay in her parents apartment, and that she be the second driver as back up for me on the hire car.

So that’s what we did!

As it happens the entire holiday cost half the price that the days course would’ve done and I got a much richer ‘real life’ experience because of it, and I got to spend some quality time with two best friends (and her little baby) in the sunshine by the sea. As it also happens I actually forgot to add my friend as second driver when I booked the car so I had no choice but to do all the driving! ha ha

Upon heading back to the airport on the final day, we came to the main road out of the town to find it shut off due to an annual triathlon race.

It felt pretty intense, no-one around us spoke good English, we were pushed for time in getting to the airport and to be honest it started feeling felt pretty intense. There seemed no way to go and in the end a police motorbike had to escort us on a make-shift route the wrong way down one-way streets to find an alternative route so we could be in our way. 

I feel really proud of finally facing my fears... of driving on the other side of the road, in the dark, re-routing round roadworks, on motorways, on small country roads, through towns, parking in a tight space in a multi-storey car park, following behind a police escort, and often with a crying baby in the back seat! (he didn’t cry much only on long boring stretches when stick in his car seat!) I even did a little trip to the supermarket on my own to try out a solo trip.

So I went to Spain on holiday.

A holiday to face my fears!

But now I have a question for you…

This is a story about me, but it’s not really about me.

It’s a story about fear. A story about the choice to change or stay the same. About creating space to say ‘yes’ to opportunity.

Where in your life is fear holding you back, and what could you choose to do about it?

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Living fearlessly?

I hear a lot about ‘living fearlessly’, it’s bounced around in quotes across the internet. It’s heavily used particularly within the realms of female entrepreneurship, and the language typically has a tone of being highly prized, as something to aspire to. 

I appreciate there are many ways to interpret this sentiment, but for me this idea of living fearless, does not quite sit comfortably. 

The title of famous book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’ by Susan Jeffers, connects with me much more deeply.  Within the book she says, “By re-educating the mind, you can accept fear as simply a fact of life rather than barrier to success”. 

I don’t think it’s about removing or diminishing ours fear and becoming ‘fearless’, I think it’s more about: 

Allowing them, 
Feeling them,
Leaning in to them, 
Honouring them,

…and forging ahead regardless. 

Being fearless to me implies almost a lack or separation of emotion or connection within. It creates a sense of distance from an aspect of ourselves and that is not the space from which I want to pursue my life goals. 

You CAN live bravely and boldly, without living fearlessly. 

Feeling the fear and acknowledging it gives me the cue that I am dealing with something meaningful in my life. It’s my radar in how I show up in the world and what is deserving of my attention. 

Do you aspire to living a ‘fearlessly’?

What does that idea mean to you? 

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