Not 'bad' enough... (a story of pain to purpose)

Last year I was given the opportunity to give a talk at the launch of an event called Pain to Purpose. Hosted by my wonderful friend Vanessa of Grow Friday, the whole focus of this event was to vulnerably share our stories of pain through to purpose.

I felt present once to the energy of this event as New Year 2020 rolled round and I reflected on life, the wins the losses and moments in between…

I decided to take on a deep dive personal development workshop, to challenge the limiting beliefs and blocks that I know still hold me back, things I touched on in that vulnerable stage presentation.

Which brings me back to that moment…

I sat there in the audience, on a chair to the side of the stage waiting for my turn to stand. I was the opening speaker for the main section of the evening that had begun with a series of open mic sessions. People came to the mic to share for 10 or 15 minutes each, their stories of struggle and their stories of triumph through adversity. There were some really beautiful, painful, powerful recollections. Deep vulnerable sharing.

I distinctly remember thinking, Wow. Who am I to be speaking on this stage as one of the key speakers? My story isn't 'bad enough' to be sharing here!

I still clearly remember those words forming in my mind.

My story isn't 'bad enough', I haven't suffered enough to be standing and sharing here. Who am I to share my pain when it is nothing compared to theirs.

Getting passionate here… the talk was in a dark atmospheric basement venue (hence the low lit shot)

These feelings were still swirling around inside me as I took to the stage to begin my talk and so with honesty and openness, I shared exactly that. I placed my fears on the table.

I shared that these feelings were swirling within me. I shared I didn't think my story of pain was 'bad enough' in comparison. As soon as I said it out loud I smiled and there was some giggles in the room and I laughed as well. We laughed together in the recognition of how silly that sounded out loud.

My struggles, no matter how small they may seem, are worthy of acknowledgement. My 'pain to purpose' story was worthy to share.

It's not a competition to see how 'bad' we've each had it in life. Yet, sometimes in society it feels like that's where we're being pushed towards. There's comparisonitis in every corner about how good our lives can be but there's also the darker comparisonitis of how bad we've had it - like a oneupmanship of the worst kind.

So for those of us, like me, who fall somewhere in the middle, who have struggled with seemingly smaller things in a sea of trauma we see in the news every day, we dismiss our struggles for not being worthy.

For not being 'bad' enough.

We don't ask for help because it's not 'bad' enough to justify someones time and resources. We feel foolish, feeling as though we should be able to sort this ourselves because really in comparison to what some people have been through, it's really not that bad. Suck it up.

And that's the story I've been telling myself for a long, long time.

That's the story that came to a climax in that room as I heard those powerful stories shared before me. And by openly speaking my fears into the room in that moment, I gave myself permission to share my story. I acknowledged my struggles.

I see so much of this repeating in the book I’m currently writing. I'd been stalling for so long in putting my thoughts into words because I didn't think my story was worthy enough to tell. It wasn't 'bad' enough. My pain and struggles are nothing in comparison to what some people go through. So why share it at all? Who would it even help?

Yet, I know there are so many people like me, maybe even the majority, who struggle with these seemingly smaller things, things that on the outside don't seem a big deal. Where the thoughts creep beneath the surface of our minds… who am I to be talking of my pain when so many other people have had it far worse.

But here I am on stage and in my book, talking about my pain.

Talking about my power.

Talking about my struggles.

Talking about my strengths.

Because I know there are so many other people, like me, who sit in the middle of the spectrum with the struggles that they simply don't give credit to. That they dismiss because it's not that 'bad'.

I'm here to hold out my hand and invite you to own your story. Your struggles and your strengths, your tragedy and triumph, your highs and your lows…

They are worthy.

They are significant.

They can have a voice.

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When we judge others we are only ever judging ourselves

On days that I struggle with my own self worth and feelings of 'enough-ness', I know that it's happening because I feel so triggered by posts on Facebook and Instagram that normally wouldn't impact me.

I know that on days I'm struggling with my self worth, the voices in my head get louder. The voices in my head speak to me much more negatively. On days where I struggle with my own self worth, I believe them.

But the biggest sign that I've come to observe, is that on days I struggle with my own self worth, is when I'm judging people around me.

I'll tentatively admit that I used to be quite a 'judgey' person. If I'm totally honest, I used to feel superior quite often. But I didn't really have much awareness of it, I had no context for comparison and I didn't question it.

These days I've done a lot more inner work on myself, I've done a lot more self reflection. I've grown a lot more and learnt what it is to connect to humanity at a deeper level, and for the most part those judgments have naturally dropped away.

So on days where I feel those judgments creeping in and the voices of comparison kick up, I know there's some work I need to do my own sense of self-worth.

Recently, when I was having a particularly wobbly day, I went to a Pilates class at my local gym in the evening. I sat cross legged on my mat getting ready for the class to start. The teacher was fiddling with setting up the music and I was gazing into the huge mirrored wall at the front of the room.

Looking into the mirror, I could see everyone else sat to the side of me and behind me on their own mats. And as I glanced around the room, I immediately began judging people.

I began judging the older guy sitting to my left hunched over with bad posture.

I began judging the overweight lady sat behind me.

I began judging the lady on my right who still had her trainers on and didn't look like she was about to take them off anytime soon.

I began judging others to make myself feel better.

And then in noticing I was judging others, I began judging myself.

I tried to shake these feelings off. Because I felt really icky. I didn't want them. I felt ashamed thinking these things. How dare I judge someone else! How dare I use this as a way to feel better than them!

And yet in the moments of those judgments and the inner reality check, a little voice in my head was still whispering, "Yeah, but you know it's true, you are better than them". Then immediately another voice inside would come along to slam that one down.

It was intense.

As the class got underway I began to settle down. But the judgments didn't leave me entirely.

As we were moving through the the sequences and the poses, instead of staying in my own lane with my own thoughts, and being present in my own body, I caught myself steeling glances around the room to see what other people were doing.

To see whether I was the most flexible one there.

To see if I had the best form when holding the Plank or the Teaser.

To see how well the overweight lady behind me was doing in comparison.

I still needed to make myself feel 'better than' in order to make myself feel 'good enough'.

I cringed as I walked home after that class. I felt a heavy with judgment. I felt heavy with the knowledge that I'd sent such a negative energy out towards the other people in the room. That i'd made no effort to connect with a smile to anyone else.

Because at those times I feel a struggle with my own sense of self worth, at those times I struggle with my own insecurities, instead of reaching out and finding connection in the humanity we all share, my reaction is to pull away and disconnect from the aspects of people's lives that I cannot experientially relate to.

I use difference as a reason to disconnect.

I can't understand first hand what life is like lived in their shoes and so I pull away and judge them for it. It's a 'fear' thing and it only shows up when I'm sitting in my own insecurities.

Now today, just a few days later, I'm in a very different place. I recall how judgmental I felt but I'm compassionate towards myself, instead of hating on myself. I'm compassionate towards those parts of me, the shadow side, because I know I'm not really 'judgey Jo' at my core. It's not who I am deep down.

For the most part. I love people. I embrace people. I see the beauty and the 'humaneness' that we all are inside regardless of what our wrapper might look like.

And I know that's my truth.

And I know that two days ago, it was simply my own insecurities showing up and being projected on those around me.

So I show my self compassion. I send myself the love that I needed then.

As I sit here reflecting, gazing into that mirrored wall in my mind's eye, I look the people around me in the room, the same people who were there in real life just a few days ago and I feel nothing but love.

There is no judgment.

As I rewind that tape and play out that same scenario in my mind's eye, I feel connected. I feel whole. I feel just as worthy as everybody else in the room.

Because when we judge others we are only ever judging ourselves.

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Ep. 10 : Judgement from the Pilates mat

Today's podcast is another one of my ‘braindumps’ and it’s a really vulnerable one for me to share, because it's about judgment.

On the days where I struggle with my own self worth or insecurities, are the days where I judge others most harshly. This showed up recently at a Pilates class and I'd like to share that experience with you as a reminder that when we judge other people, it's only ever a reflection of our own internal self-judgment.

I'd love to hear what comes up for you as you listen. Does this resonate with you in your own life?

Listen below or via your favourite podcast platform…

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Music Credit

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